Guilt

I am sitting here thinking of something else to write about, something other than my kids..... It's not working. This is my life, they are my life 24/7, I will get to be selfish and do things for me again in about 4 years?? Doesn't matter, I love it! Most of it, this is what I am going to talk about.

I know with parenting comes a lot of guilt.... I never felt this way with my first, but then the twins come. I have a lot of guilt, about the time I don't get to spend with each of them, and lack of time with Sawyer. When Sawyer was a baby, I spend every moment with him and LOVED it! Watched him sleep, played with him, laid on the floor and talked to him, just spent a lot of one on one time. This time around it TOTALLY different, not only did I introduce one baby to him, but two :( so now mommy can't spend all her time with him, but either can daddy.

These babies have had a rough start and are still going through stuff. They cry all the time..... Peyton cries 90% of the day, and when I say cry I mean SCREAMS. Grayson is a little better. They both want to be held all the time and even that doesn't settle them. Sawyer often says "mommy put Peyton DOWN" poor guy.

So there is one guilt of mine, and then there is the fact that I can't spend the time I want with each of the twins, not like I did with one. Basically I try and feed and settle so I can tend to Sawyer or do the dishes, laundry, bottles etc. Then the last few days I have been on the verge of a mini meltdown ;(, I think all the screaming, and holding a baby is getting to me. I know it sounds great to hold a baby all day, but sometimes you want to go to the bathroom, lol, or eat once in the day!

The other day I was talking to my friend Jenny, and she said she wanted to take the babies overnight for me. So we took them to her yesterday and it was their first sleepover!!! Good news is I missed them, and so did Sawyer, he kept asking "mommy where babies?" and whining that he wanted them back. Jenny is an amazing friend who would do anything for us, she is one of the few people I would let have a sleepover with my babies....

We had a day with just Sawyer, we went out for dinner and went visiting. And best of all I slept through the night, I did wake a lot but I didn't get out of bed!!!! So nice! It is amazing how much more time I have.... we are going this morning to pick them up, hopefully she had a good night too! Thank you so much Jenny!!

That is all for now, hopefully I will be able to blog about something else soon.....CHRISTMAS!!

Praise and Thanks!

This was a big week in the Davidson household....

Jaret completed his 10 week training course for Corrections, graduation was yesterday! He did very well, he completed it without any strikes against him, meaning he didn't fail any tests! He is excited to have that behind him and starts work Monday! We are so proud of him! This means that we will have 'Daddy' back in the evenings and overnight (depending on his schedule, but definitely more than he has been). This also means my mom gets to have more time off :) at least doesn't have to do midnights with me anymore!

Which leads me to my next point, of THANKS. I just wanted to say a BIG thanks to everyone who has helped out while Jaret was away. My mom has taken a leave from work to help me out, she has lived at our house while Jaret was away, helping with the babies and housework! My Sister has also helped a lot, has done overnights, evenings and taken time of work to help out aswell, my aunt Donna has also donated her time every Tuesday she does the evening and overnight shift, which has helped a lot and has given my mom a break! I know there has been a lot of other people who have helped in all ways, weather it is giving me a break and helping mom so I can get my hair done, go shopping or sleep, to making meals! Thank you!

I know the help will not end here, but this was the big 10 weeks we were all wondering how we would get though!

Sawyer is sick again :( or still I should say, he has never really got over the cold that he started 8 weeks ago... now he has started a fever and whining again.... Babies have a stuffy/ runny nose, I am really hoping it doesn't get worse. They are REALLY fuzzy lately, they do not want to be put down ;( screaming ALL the time, all day long, it gets pretty frustrating. I am trying to remain positive, so the positives are..... someday I will look back and wish I could hold them all day long, and they do sleep in the night (only getting up once a night!) and that is all I can think of :(

We received the pictures back from Jenna Simpson, they look great!! I will post a few favorites!

Well that is all the update I have for now!

Christmas Spirit

I put my tree up today!!! Pics to come shortly. Sawyer went to the sitters today and the twins decided to sleep at the same time! So I decided (not sure it was a good decision yet) to forgo my sleep and put the Christmas tree up! It looks good, and I am getting into the Christmas Spirit now. I have never put my tree up in November before, but Jaret is not here and my mom is therefore no one tried to talk me into waiting until December. I am waiting for Sawyer to get home and be in aaahhh... ha then start touching and pulling :(

The babies are 7 weeks already??? wow, in a way it feels a lot longer, but for the most part I can't believe they are almost 2 months!!! Crazy! Grayson and Peyton have been going to the Doctors regularly to check on their weights and feeding progress. Yesterday Grayson weighted 8 lbs 14 oz and is 21 1/2 inches long, Peyton weights 9 lbs 4 oz and is 20 1/2 inches long. Both are still on the "special" formula, Nutramigen.... And have been put on Zantex to try again as they are still very fuzzy most of the day :( hopefully it will fix everything, lol.

Off to settle Peyton and once she stops Grayson will start, I think they like the sound of crying/ screaming :)

Happy Halloween

Isn't he the cutest lion you have ever seen??? Okay I am a little bias.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Just a little update, everyone is still home!!! Thank God!

Peyton is doing well, getting chunky ;) Grayson on the other hand, was losing weight and is slowly putting it back on. His bowels were damaged from the antibiotics therefore his stomach hurts when he eats, and his bum is still raw.... The bowels will just take time to heal. Sawyer is an attention seeker, he has also been sick, so that doesn't help. He is good with the babies most of the time, and is loving getting spoiled from his grandparents.

Jaret is done November 26th!!!! So the end is in sight, although I am not sure I am ready to trade my mom for him. He does not do well with the baby stage, especially during the night :( Ah well he has to suck it up.

Today, my friend Jen is coming over to watch the 3 kids while Jaret and I go to a movie and dinner for my birthday. Jen called Jaret yesterday and wanted to surprised me with it (but I found out:)), she is a great friend!

I am excited for tomorrow, Halloween!!! Jaret and I are taking Sawyer out for his first time, I will post pics next week.

Thats all for now....

All home!!!

As of Monday, we are all home together! Peyton came home last Tuesday, so we had a week with her, then Grayson came home Monday. The first two nights with both babies have been..... tiring. Grayson is still in so much pain (stomach pains, cramps etc.) that he doesn't settle and by the time he gets to sleep it is a short time before he is up again. :( They have both been switched to new formula (by the doctor), which is for babies with an allergy to cow's milk protein, not sure how that is working. Grayson is on a medication for reflux, and on a antibiotic for the next 6 months!!! Yes I said 6 months, ugh, what does that do to a babies immune system??

Sawyer is doing well with the babies, he is very gentle and loving with them. Except when it is bed time and there is "new" people here:). Well, off to feed and then hopefully nap!!!!

So much to share....

Where to start???? So so so much has happened in 2 weeks....

Sunday September 26th around 6:15am I decided to get up, shower and go to the hospital to get 'checked' out because I was having some mild cramps, and i knew my blood pressure was on the high side. So as I got up and on the phone to tell my mom to come over and watch Sawyer, my water broke and there was also A LOT of blood. So Jaret called the Ambulance, my parents came to watch Sawyer, and I was rushed to the hospital. As we got there, the doors were held open, security was holding the elevator, it was like I was a celebrity! Or they really did not want to deliver twins, ha. More to come on that...

We got up to the floor, checked the heart rates, IV, etc. and I was in for a section before I knew it. It all moved very fast, the staff were amazing! Dr. Clarke delivered, Grayson at 8:18am, 7 lbs!!! and Peyton at 8:19am, 6 lbs 7oz!! Crazy to think that was inside me, but makes me feel better for all the complaining I was doing. They are perfect, Peyton went into the nursery for about an hour because she had some mucus. When I was out of recovery they were both in my room!

Come to find out, when my water broke, I had an abrupt placenta as well which means it tore away from the wall and babies could have lost complete oxygen. It is a bit frustrating knowing that the ambulance paramedics could have done a lot more for me. They came into the home did all my vitals in the home, and asked me to walk to the stretcher out side. Which I did, not knowing the effects it could have had. Anyways God was watching over me for sure! The nurses (after the delivery) said I was lucky to have them both here! Thank God..

We went home 3 days later, everything was going great! Until....

Thursday evening we noticed Peyton's colour was a little off, we stimulated her and her colour came back. Then again Friday morning.... so we took her to emerg and the pediatrician admitted her for observation and blood work. When we got to the floor, I fed her and then when she was settled she had another spell. The nurse came in and tried to stimulate her, waved oxygen around her nose and mouth then called CODE..... about 15 nurses came running, calling to page the dr's and a crash cart. OMG the hardest thing I have ever went though and hope to ever go through again. They had to bag her, which is like mouth to mouth, blowing oxygen in her lungs. But she came back around. Then started all the testing, she had lots of blood work, urine catheter, spinal tap, etc. Everything came back negative, which was nice, but need some answers. They started her on antibiotics via IV to be proactive, the Dr. explained it that in babies, infection can start as a UTI and spread to meningitis in a couple days as there is not far to travel. Although nothing has shown up the Dr. still thinks it was an infection as she has responded very well to the antibiotics. She was due to come home today on oral medication. BUT....

In the mean time Grayson had some blood work and urine to check him out, and his urine came back with a germ in it. We retested it yesterday and it still showed, therefore he was admitted aswell and is now on antibiotics via IV. :( So they are keeping Peyton as well until she is done her meds. We are still waiting on Grayson's blood work to come back, and praying nothing shows.

This has been a very emotional and draining 2 weeks, they have had so many tests, bloodwork, urine catheters, LP (spinal taps), and ultrasounds.... poor little guys. At least they are in the spot they need to be to get better, and they are now together in the same room.

Sawyer has been a great big brother, he is very gentle with them, except when he throws his cars at them...... He hasn't had much time with the babies as Sawyer developed a fever and now has a cold.

So that brings us to today... and although I actually had a good night sleep last night, I still wish we could be a family at home all together. Jaret comes home only on the weekends, and we share our time between Sawyer and the hospital.

We are praying that in another 10 days they will both be home and well. Then we can start getting into a crazy routine! Thanks for everyones thoughts and prayers. Here are a couple pics of the babes, they are so cute!!!